Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 Chatter • Soar like an eagle or die like carrion

Publisher’s note: This story originally appeared in the Tuesday, Jan. 18, 2005 edition of the Lassen County Times.

Once upon a time a women’s basketball team from a little college located where the mountains slide into the high desert just north of nowhere got pretty darn good. It wasn’t the first time the gods of basketball had smiled upon this far away team, which might be on its way to winning another intergalactic championship as I peck these words out on my keyboard. Life is good.

Coach Mar Mar and his Maulers embarked on a long, 17-game road trip, taking on teams from all across the known basketball universe. And the Maulers chalked up win after win after win. Eventually, after many gnarly battles, they earned the No. 1 ranking among all the north end contenders. Someone has to be a favorite, after all, and the Maulers fit the bill.

Finally, after 17 games and an impossible-to-discuss number of bus rides and winged flights, Coach Mar Mar and his Maulers returned to their home court to officially open their Golden Valley Conference season.

A man of many, many talents (and more than a couple of curious quirks I can’t mention here), Coach Mar Mar reluctantly stepped out of his Mauler suit and donned an antique neon jersey once owned by the infamous Charlie O, the great promoter (despite his silly two strikes you’re out theme song and his ridiculous orange baseball scheme).

Coach Mar Mar fairly negotiated with some sympathetic local boosters who agreed to cover the cover charge for the conference opening night at The Complex. (As everyone knows, all the preseason wins in the Murky Way only count for so much, and the most robust way into the Intergalactic Postseason Showdown is to win the aforementioned conference.)

The fans were overjoyed and overwhelmed by the generosity of the boosters and by Coach Mar Mar’s ample promotional acumen. Individually, the Maulers were all poised to continue stuffing the ball in the bucket, and strutting back up the court backwards after ringing the iron loudly.

The time had come to show the local fans what all the hubbub heard everywhere else in the basketball universe was all about.

Sadly, some things are just not meant to be. You see, the Maulers were scheduled to play the .154 Babes in Black (or the Gals in Green, if you prefer, depending upon which uniform they decided to wear that night) from across yonder snowy mountains.

Now the Babes in Black didn’t whine the usual, “Oh my God, there’s snow on the road,” drivel that ruins many winter games in the lower high school universe where the feared Grizzlies rule. Nah, the Babes in Black were way, way, way more original than that.

They simply claimed they just didn’t have enough players to come across the hill and be competitive. Jeez, have you ever heard of such of thing? I mean, like, how can you call .154 competitive anyway in any way? I mean 2-11, .154. Please. Somebody grab me a parachute because I’m free falling!

I don’t know, so I have to give them some benefit of a little bit of doubt. Maybe there is a legitimate excuse for not driving over the hill. I can’t say because I wasn’t given any more details than I’m already reporting in this column.

Go off the record, and who knows what I might find out? But I couldn’t write about such a conversation here. All I can say is where I come from, once a team schedules a game, the team honors that commitment and goes and plays the game for good or for ill. But, hey, that’s just how they do it where I come from.

Somebody suggested dressing five straw figures as the Babes in Black and putting them on the court so the Maulers could win 3,000-0. Not a bad idea. Instead, the classy Maulers played a scrimmage against themselves.

The Maulers get another shot at the Babes later in the season. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens in that double-or-nothing match-up on Feb. 5.